L.M. Mistakes Speech for Bridge to Irony

The Honorable L. Murkowski made her 7th address to the state legislature today, declaring that “It is wonderful to return” to the Alaska legislature, from which she was kidnapped 6 years ago by notorious railroad vagabond  and less Honorable F. Murkowski.  (Former) state senator L.M. reminded all assembled that she went “to the United States Senate determined to work hard for Alaska, to work with members of both parties and to work with the administration, whoever they are,” so long as both parties are called the Republican Party and the President’s name is not Barack Obama.  Noting “the value of Alaska's oil and minerals fall … reductions in State revenues and … loss of jobs for Alaskans in the resource industry,” she went on to remind us that “folks in the Lower 48 … won't be buying that once in a lifetime trip to Alaska.” A trip made much easier by a stimulus package she voted against as much as she, seconds later, proudly boasted would be a godsend to Alaska in such hard times. “Basically,” she did not actually in her own words conclude, “if you are not currently making $160,000 as a U.S. Senator ('the greatest job on Earth', unless S.P. unseats your moderate ass), you’re pretty much doomed and so is everyone else, forever, especially you Emmonak, , haha, with no food in the winter.”  

It makes sense then, that she “opposed this massive bill because I thought there was a better approach,” namely eating less and living outside.  We could also spend time talking about ANWR, because that's definitely going to be happening in the next decade and will endear us to the rest of the country that possibly does not miss expensive grill and fish statue magnate T. Stevens as much as L.M.

Also, we definitely still want our “Indian Health Service construction money, funds for rural sanitation, some transportation funding, and renewable energy block grants.”  Also we can rest assured L.M. will “ do everything I can to ensure that Alaska gets its share of this economic stimulus package,” that she tried so so hard to murder in its sleep, for bipartisanship.