We Will Kick Ourselves on April 7th

When we don't vote for Jacob Seth Kern for mayor Anchorage loses. God christ, the man is offering us his thoughts to make a post-modern, escape from thunder dome-ish, Permanent Fund Dividend from wireless electricity, new in 2009 according to his website. Fuck, gas is too expensive and politicians are not slam poets enough to solve the problems that Anchorage faces today. You can see the car he has designed that will not use petroleum products in the adjacent picture. We would highly recommend voting for Mr. Kern who is bound to either bring Anchorage massive success and media attention or ruin us all with his yellow duct tape glasses. Whatever the case maybe, he is young, fresh and ready with new ideas to lead Anchorage into its energy independent future.  Why wouldn't you vote for "flying cars endless machine made energy from national aeronautics space administration N.A.S.A  fanatic Jacob Seth Kern"? [sic] No more Obama socialism, this is real change we can believe in... Until our lithium kicks in.

So, answered the phone today, and:

Caller: Hi, can I speak with ---- ---- please?

Me: I'm sorry, she isn't home right now, can I take a message?

Caller: No, I'll just call back another time.

Me: May I ask who is calling?

Caller: The National Right to Work Committee.

Me: Is this about the Employee Free Choice Act?

Caller: No, this is about card check. [gargled, sounded like çar check']

Me: What?

Caller: *Card* *Check*

Me: Yeah, you mean EFCA, the Employee Free Choice Act.

Caller: No, it's about the card check legislation.

Me: That's what EFCA is...

Caller: Thank you sir, [click]

Congratulations National Right to Work Committee, on hiring people who don't even know what card check or EFCA is. If she had not hung up so fast, I would have told her what her talking points were for her, and why the calls she is making are contributing to the undercompensated, miserable working conditions she is surely enduring. See what happens, NRTWC, when you screw your workforce? You wind up in a situation where the only people who will consider working for you are drooling script-monkies. It would have been halfway amusing to listen to her stumble her way through her quota of bulleted regurgutation, but alas, that pleasure shall have to await another day.

The best part about being a Call Time veteran is being the recipient of political calls. Also be on the lookout for a Sarah Palin job performance poll by Americans in Contact PAC, which carried out an anti-Ethan Berkowitz push poll last October.

Sarah Palin: Fiscal Liberal on Family Vacations

We have one more dumb thing to add to the long list of things Sarah Palin has said or done in her time as our prom queen governor: she charged the state to tote her family around the country. These were trips to policy meetings and governors' retreats. Besides, like, the worst vacations ever, serial winker Sarah Palin was found to owe the state $6,800 for nine separate trips between 2007 and 2008.  Beyond not letting William Shatner negotiate her plane tickets, she was also having her young daughters stay at such fine establishments as the Ritz Carlton in Philadelphia. That's a dick move while you are trying to slash state budgets that aide people who can't afford heating oil.  Being a dick, she is also admitting no wrong doing. Never mind the fact that she has to REPAY the state because she was found GUILTY of ethic violations. When was the last time you paid a fine for doing everything right?

Thanks for the saucy story, MARK

Bull Moose undercover operatives were on the trail of a hot story Sunday night after a leisurely dinner at Thai Kitchen (come for the awesome Thai food, stay for the weird couches in front!) A certain M. Begich, U.S. Senator and high school graduate, was sighted leaving alone with a suspicious bag. Naturally, we followed him into the dark parking lot, illegally crossed a median after him, and committed to following him wherever the chase led. Hot and spicy Thai affair on the east side, perhaps? PERHAPS? No, apparently he's flogging that whole 'man of the people' angle by getting his own take-out and taking it home to his adorable family for Sunday evening dinner. Damn. Thanks a bunch Mark B, it's not like we could have used a sexy scoop or anything. What'd you order anyway? Whatever CHUCK SCHUMER told you to?

Also, we twittered and giggled a little bit when we saw you, because, you know, celebrity!

Anyway, that's just one of the things we do here at the Bull Moose, we act like your worst ex-boyfriend, and follow you home in the dark. AKA journalism!

COX WATCH

Ron Paul wannabe and jaunty hat afficionado Schaeffer Cox invited paranoid Fairbanksians to join him and his Second Amendment Task Force in walking around strapped this weekend as a protest against "ongoing encroachment on the right to bear arms." A good example being Alaska's complete lack of any laws restricting the carrying of guns. Cox and his superpatriot brethren understandably chafe at the outlandish requirements that they be 21 years old, not felons, and ... um, nothing else, in order to strap some caged heat to their loins and strut like roosters. I propose a standing ten dollar bet that "the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants" is tattooed accross Cox's ass.

They even wrote and signed a letter outlining their views. It consists mostly of self-important puffery reminiscent of the writings of many an angst ridden tenth grader who haplessly wandered by the Alaska Independence Party booth at the state fair and grasped the TRUTH that all government, everywhere, is fake. It even has a subject heading that reads "The Big Ideas Presented." Anti-gun lunatic and Fairbanks Police Chief Don Hoffman was kind enough to note that it is perfectly legal to carry, openly or concealed, in Alaska, however there possibly are laws against "Stand[ing] together in non-compliance to further [any at all] firearm regulations..." Checking google, checking, and ... yes, there are in fact laws against disregarding all laws you disagree with.

We wish S. Cox well in his endeavor to ride this movement to winning more than 36% in the next HD 7 Republican primary. Word of advice little buddy: if you run as a fringe candidate (and take off that goddamned hat), you'll keep your name in the news after a primary! Can someone send him his membership card for the Association of Twentysomething Asshats who have Run Pitifully Embarrassing Campaigns for State Legislature? (ATARPECSL)

L.M. Mistakes Speech for Bridge to Irony

The Honorable L. Murkowski made her 7th address to the state legislature today, declaring that “It is wonderful to return” to the Alaska legislature, from which she was kidnapped 6 years ago by notorious railroad vagabond  and less Honorable F. Murkowski.  (Former) state senator L.M. reminded all assembled that she went “to the United States Senate determined to work hard for Alaska, to work with members of both parties and to work with the administration, whoever they are,” so long as both parties are called the Republican Party and the President’s name is not Barack Obama.  Noting “the value of Alaska's oil and minerals fall … reductions in State revenues and … loss of jobs for Alaskans in the resource industry,” she went on to remind us that “folks in the Lower 48 … won't be buying that once in a lifetime trip to Alaska.” A trip made much easier by a stimulus package she voted against as much as she, seconds later, proudly boasted would be a godsend to Alaska in such hard times. “Basically,” she did not actually in her own words conclude, “if you are not currently making $160,000 as a U.S. Senator ('the greatest job on Earth', unless S.P. unseats your moderate ass), you’re pretty much doomed and so is everyone else, forever, especially you Emmonak, , haha, with no food in the winter.”  

It makes sense then, that she “opposed this massive bill because I thought there was a better approach,” namely eating less and living outside.  We could also spend time talking about ANWR, because that's definitely going to be happening in the next decade and will endear us to the rest of the country that possibly does not miss expensive grill and fish statue magnate T. Stevens as much as L.M.

Also, we definitely still want our “Indian Health Service construction money, funds for rural sanitation, some transportation funding, and renewable energy block grants.”  Also we can rest assured L.M. will “ do everything I can to ensure that Alaska gets its share of this economic stimulus package,” that she tried so so hard to murder in its sleep, for bipartisanship.  

An Introduction

Since we could not finagle jobs from any party, politician or stimulus package, we have decided to ride Alaskan politics like the hobby horse it is.  In the vain of TR and Don Young we are going to say things that we likely mean, but do not realize the impact of. The understanding is that no one will be interested in hiring us-either party or Halcro- so we move forward in lampooning the lampoon that is Alaskan Politics.